Hello

I don't know where to begin, which is why it's taken me so long to get here. This blog is going to be mostly my ramblings, thoughts, observations as I begin the search for my birth sister. She was born eighteen months before me; she was adopted at about one week old.

I only learned of her existence about four years ago, from my mother. As an adoptee herself, my mother is very familiar with the issues of birth mothers, adoption, the wish for reunion, the fear of reunion, etc. She told me the story, that she was a teenager who really knew nothing about sex. That my father is the birth father. That she was basically told that she would be giving up her baby. And that her parents never spoke about it after the birth.

She is still broken-hearted, still ashamed, still feels the loss of her child like it happened yesterday. She and my father married six or seven months later, after high school graduation, and I was born one year later. They are still married.

She has spoken many times since of finding "the baby", of wanting to search for her, but it seems like she can't. I understand this -- I can't imagine what her loss is like. Also, she did search for her own birth mother and found her through the agency through which she was adopted, but the birth mother, an old lady then, did not wish for any contact. Another loss. Loss and loss and loss.

So, here I am. I would like to find my sister, but who knows if she wants to be found? Who knows how she'll react, assuming I even get that far? In this state, records are sealed. It's maddening. It seems wrong that adults can't access the records of their histories.

I've got a friend here, an adoptive mother, adoption advocate. She's the first person outside the family I've told about my sister. She put me in touch with another woman who facilitates searches. It's terrifying, it's exciting, but it's a start.